in my dream life...

last night i had a dream that dylan and karyn were counselors at a summer camp.  i was going to film the campers for a week so they were showing me around.  one of the head camp ladies sent her little minions to attack me with water balloons.  instead of freaking out, i very calmly moved my equipment out of the line of fire and asked them nicely to stop drenching my technologies.  the lady got ridiculously angry with me and dylan (who was acting as my PA, as he is in real life) and decided to punish us.  i stayed calm and mature for a ludicrous amount of time, but finally lost it and began shouting about how they had been ruining my equipment and they should be the ones fined, etc etc.  i ended my tirade by saying, "now IF you will excuse us, dylan and i are going to see the 8 pm showing of New Moon and need to leave early to get seats."

psychoanalyze, please.

Jamie out.

the boy

woah.
thank you, kasey, for noticing my lack of an update.
as of october 24th, i am dating a grrrreat boy named toph.
before you ask, it's short for christopher. he does not go by chris. ew.

today was our reading break.
yes, we got ONE day off. boo.
but it was still nice. i hung out with the boy, went grocery shopping, made dinner for a ton of people, and was gifted playing rights to heather's brother-in-law's guitar for the next month.
i did absolutely no reading.

in other news, i was sick for the past two weeks, but this week all i have had is a cough. time to get on that weight gain thing, though. i'm still ten pounds under weight. oi. it's gross.

four more weeks of school before finals. ah! so much to do, so little time!
Jamie out.

rant much?

robbie and i talked for the first time in three weeks. i took away his hope/he no longer thinks we will get together. but he basically told me he loved me. aaah! but it's donezo now, officially in the ground.

all of my classes right now tie together very well. the speaker in chapel today was barry taylor--he used to do the sound for U2. i love his brain. he has a doctorate in postmodern theology or something like that. he came to my COMM 411 class and we just had a class discussion and it was really fascinating. he has a very postmodern view on the approach to the Bible and the church, but i agreed with a lot of his opinions and just found him really interesting. like in chapel he was sort of talking about diversity in the text or diversity in interpretations of the text and we need to be open to that and realize that through human error we will never be able to fully realize the universal and ultimate truth of God. people are different, people have different opinions, and everyone's faith is their own. sometimes i get irritated with individuality but the reality is that is the current worldview and i can't escape that, and thus i'm going to read the Bible in a much different way from when it was actually written.
but THEN in the last FIVE MINUTES of class he says, "but the gospel, or rather gospelS are not about Jesus Christ's saving grace but of the renewal and betterment of mankind." i was just like... WTF you can't just say something like that and then WOOPS class is over. EXPLAIN YOURSELF!! haha.
in ned's class we were talking about how everything we do is about seeking something better. the better boyfriend, better job, better grade, better self. i feel like all of my classes are tying together this semester. and i think it can be said that the gospel is about that in some way--renewal and betterment--but i don't think that it can be said that's more prominent than Jesus. i mean, i think that's a main part of Jesus' message/goal, but primary focus? huge.

oh oh oh! also! about my IDIS class!! people are so concerned with unity that they don't accept diversity and reject dialogue with it. that's what bothers me about the idea of globalization. within the realm of human error, it isn't possible. thus striving for unity isn't a bad thing, but you have to realize that it just isn't possible in this world. that's why i think that christians have a bias towards globalizatoin--they're so determined to find a unity and portray their idea of universal truth in all areas. they deny the fact that they're influenced by postmodernism and secular humanism--they declare their own denominations as truth and in a sense deny the existence of diversities. in light of human error, no one has the truth and no one has the ability to bring about this globalization in a healthy way.
ugh and how my prof talks about technology! it kills me! a guy in my film book said this: "I don't think a filmmaker can afford to be afraid of technology... [I]t's really an extension of our bodies and our minds into the universe which then comes back to change us." i fricken love this book--it's amazing, the way it talks about film as an art form and further learning how to do a critical analysis. amazing! and dr. goheen is just going on about the negative aspects of technology... when everything we are surrounded by is technology! paper is technology! i understand that there are limits and we shouldn't let our lives become dependent on them, of course. but being a filmmaker, it breaks my heart a little bit when people bash on it as if it were the anti-christ.

anyways, rant over for the night.
love you all.
Jamie out.

still alive

really really quick update:
1. i have an intense amount of homework the next couple weeks. kasey, if you see me online, tell me to stop procrastinating, because i probably will be. this on top of the Reel... craziness.
2. i "broke up" with robbie on monday. i also told him we couldn't talk for several weeks, because he did the typical boy thing and refused to accept that we're never going to date/see each other again.
3. no matter what i do, i keep losing weight.
4. 49ers are 3-1-0. today they won 35-0 against the rams. =D

that's all for now. miss! love!

Jamie out.

Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If i can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

...

Of so divine a loss
We enter but the gain,
Indemnity for loneliness
That such a bliss has been.

Jamie out.

no compromise

God wants our joy and our happiness.
Our joy and our happiness.
He wants what is best for us, now and in the long run.
I always assume that what He is doing is best for us, but only eventually.
Well what about right now? He cares about right now just as much as he cares about every portion of our lives.

This doesn't mean we're always going to be happy and content. But it does mean that He doesn't want us to be confused. He wants us to be at peace in Him and content in where He has us. We aren't forbidden from having questions, from finding things difficult, from expressing our displeasure and confusion when we experience it. But we don't constantly have to be in a state of confusion and displeasure.

What God wants for us is what we need. It isn't an inconvenience. If we don't want it, why is that? Is it because we're living too much like the world and not seeking after God's own heart?

I have been content to be wandering. I want things to be different, even though I still, to a point, follow God's desires.

But no that's not right.
Just because I'm not technically dating the guy doesn't mean that I wasn't basically yoking myself to him. I am emotionally, physically, spiritually attached to him. That isn't safe, that isn't healthy. That isn't God seeking.
God used me to be a light to him, and that's wonderful.
But I can't keep this up.
I know myself. I know my heart. I know the strengths and weaknesses of my morals. I know that this has already gone too far. God can use someone else to win this kid over. As terrified as I am about "breaking up" with him and having him hate me, it isn't my responsibility. God used me to plant a seed. Now he needs someone who can help it to grow, without compromising themselves in the process.

I don't regret anything. But if this keeps going, I probably will.

Jamie out.

SLO to O

ever since heather and i moved in, there has been an unprovoked puddle steadily growing in our apartment--just seeping up from the floor with no reference as to its cause. by now i know quite a few of the maintenance men by name and have grown accustomed to their presence in my home. today they finally pulled the walls apart and discovered which pipe has lost it. they will be turning off our water this afternoon and hopefully the problem will finally be resolved. otherwise we're going to have a massive dehumidifier as company for the next eight months. it's very nice and all--blue--but i would rather have my hallway uncluttered (if you can call a 2ft by 2ft patch of floor a hallway).

in other news, the douchebags that live down the hall continue to be douchebags. one of them, the asian one, told heidi that he doesn't really want to date me, but thinks he will this year.
excuse me?
what is that supposed to mean?
so if he (or they) want to pay for me when we go to Denny's and Red Robin and maybe even the movies, i won't complain. it's their right to waste their own money. but other than that they aren't getting anything from me. or ... giving.
(douchebags shall remain nameless in the blog, to protect their identities and clueless way of life)

in regards to O-Day, filming was amazing, fast paced, and stressfull. i'm going to upload the footage today and see if i got anything good. interviewing incoming freshmen and their parents was really intimidating, but i got plenty of leadership interviews and advice for incoming freshmen. should be some good times. i have also had two musicians offer up their music. things are looking up. TWUSA has agreed to fork over the money for camera repairs. excellent! hopefully GL2 will be in and out of the shop in no time.

Baby finally has her own parking spot... but a bird decided to crap all over her while she was in her old one. she can't get washed for another three weeks because of the body work she just had done. maybe i will take pitty on her and go out with a bucket of warm water and just rinse her off.

Jamie out.

dinner

after a very long and amazing nap this afternoon, i met with my media adviser--Audrey--for dinner. she was very encouraging and easy to talk to. i think i have found it a lot easier to relate to people lately, thank the Lord. she told me that the Reel isn't a yearbook in the way that Pillar is. i don't have to do what the other editors did, not to say that what they did wasn't good. i have creative license to represent the school in the way i think it should be represented. if to me that means featuring every event under the sun, then go for it. if that means capturing random dorm events at two AM and people passing through the caf, RNT, and their lives, then go for it. piece it together and feature what i see fit. discover a vision of my own and go for it. and make my team a small one that i can count on to help me see out that vision.

i'm excited. so very excited to have this opportunity.

Jamie out.

wow

i was very overwhelmed yesterday. i'm not quite sure what it was... probably the culmination of everything from this week. robbie, moving, cluttered apartment (so so disgusting), finally working seriously on the Reel... omg the Reel. i am incredibly excited and so blessed but i can't help but wonder what God was thinking! i've never even been involved with this before, i don't know how to do half of anything! i'm messaging musicians and hoping they'll respond. God let them respond. i have to take the camera into van to get it cleaned and get the sound checked out, but if it's crap i'm going to have to push twusa to buy a new camera. yey.... =/ i don't know the password to get onto the Reel computer so thus far all i have done is charge batteries. i don't know how to access my budget or even what it is, but i obviously need to start spending it soon since i need tapes and have to pay to clean the camera, etc. do i compensate the musicians? i don't know! when do i need to meet with my minions and what do i say to them? i have a list in my office of everything i need to do and it fills the entire whiteboard. i've thought of several more things. this is madness.
i think i'm still overwhelmed today.
i was pretty much having an anxiety attack yesterday so i sat down with my Bible to read, and then went into my room and fell asleep while i was praying.
i just need to keep busy so that i don't think about how freaking overwhelming this is. amazing! but i don't know what the crap i'm doing, and that scares me shitless.

Jamie out.

intro to SLOW

SLOW
day one:
such a good day. seeing everyone again has been so amazing. heather and i are in love with our apartment (kasey's old one... so ironic. haha) and keep exclaiming over how much space we have. in comparison to our old northwest room, this is ridiculous. heather is in love with my mom for all of the stuff she sent up for us. we won't have to buy hardly anything!
the girls who lived here last year left it completely furnished, but had labeled everything, meaning we couldn't use it. thus trying to move our own stuff in was really difficult and cramped. i was so annoyed... so we just moved it all out into the stairwell and decided the girls can pick it up there. haha. two couches, three tables, two TVs, six chairs, three bookshelves, and a plant is a bit much for me to handle. haha.
almost everyone has moved in to the hall. i think it's going to be an interesting year. haha. there's me and heather, across the hall is evan, sam, and jared, down from them is rob, jake, dan, and andrew (that will be the cause of a lot of drama, i'm thinking), and across from them is heidi and chelsey.

day two:
after worship i went to the TWUSA meeting... and it was actually very refreshing. i didn't really have a very distinct idea of what TWUSA was before and didn't even know why they were there, how they worked, etc. so it was nice to have this opportunity of a glimps into their inner workings. i think i'm going to be spending the majority of the week working on the Reel, though. and maybe just having some quiet times to myself to focus and figure out God's vision for this year and the Reel.

Jamie out.

back in canada

horrible day yesterday.
today has been pretty wonderful. i love driving, even driving for six hours straight. it's pretty wonderful. i also love the area around my school, especially in the summer time. it's so gorgeous and feels like home.
[my parents are currently having a discussion about the soft vs. firm pillows on their hotel bed. i love my family.]

i took my parents to my favourite sushi restaurant tonight. Sumo Sushi. pretty wonderful + pretty cheep = pretty amazing. i might take them to boston pizza tomorrow and force them to experience a chocolate explosion. excuse the expression, but it's pretty much an orgasm in your mouth. i won't be describing it this way to my mother.

so excited to move in tomorrow and see everyone!!

Jamie out.

PS. Kasey, i love your blog entries. =P

August is over

so much less confusion and so much more closure.
saw quenton tarantino's new film, inglorious basterds. love him. he's such a sick and twisted bastard. but watching people get scalped is not my favourite passtime, don't worry.
said an official goodbye to robbie. talked about some things. i'm so much less overwhelmed, and at least i was slightly prepared this time around, not swooped upon. i hate goodbyes. there are far too many of them in my life. maybe God is trying to teach me something...
of course He is. what am i saying?

Jamie out.

Say a prayer
The summer nights are dead
The fall is coming
We were careless hearts
Who got caught up in this
You were shy
To the night you drove me wild
And you crashed into me
And I won't lie
I wish it lasted a lifetime
No wait
Cause August had to end
All our bags are packed
Just two broken hearts
That got caught up in this
I deny
That tomorrow you'll be gone
And so far from me
It's something strange
Never love the same way

Breathe in deep
And say goodbye
The saddest song
I'll ever write
For anyone, anytime

Breathe in deep
Before I say
I can feel us slip away
You're almost gone
You're good as gone
August is over

[[We The Kings]]

well...

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

[[fergie]]

even online...

Tasha says (3:17 PM):
oo oo, i could rent it sometime this school year... then we could have a movie watching date!
jame[s] says (3:17 PM):
k well this year we will have to get movies and watch them together while skyping/msning


...i love us.

Jamie out.

consumerism

my mommy bought me american eagle today. =D there's a first for everything, might as well experience it at 21 instead of 16.
also, she purchased a new digital camera and is wandering around the house photographing things. so precious. she will now get a taste of my obsession.

my room continues to be a disaster zone. only half of my bookshelf is packed for the move. the rest is coughed up all over the floor. i could host my own garage sale if i ever felt the need to remove everything i own from my life.

tonight i'm going to see G.I. Joe. i'm a little bit stoked. and news beyond news, i'm going to see it with a boy named michael, not robbie. let's hope there isn't a smack down in the theatre when he finds out.

my enterprise rental car is a Nisan something or another. i don't like it. it drives weird and there aren't enough secret compartments. but maybe the CD player will work. that would be nice.

two more theatre shifts and i am done with that hell hole! hallelujah!
i miss my managers who got fired though. =[

Jamie out.

Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

[[Lifehouse]]

mmph

my mom pretty much asked me if i'm pregnant today.
thanks mom. thanks for that vote of confidence.
i haven't even held hands with the boy.

day number three of the worst period of my life...

Jamie out.

thought

"from everyone who has been given much, much will be required."
Be faithful now over the situation you have been given. Walk with God through it. God wants you there. God does not reward greatness. He rewards faithfulness.

"See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.
"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost." -Matt 18:10-14

Jamie out.

bonn appetite!

Julie and Julia:
i am torn. on one hand, it was incredibly cute, and julia seems like a wonderfully inspirational person who loves life. on the other hand, the editing was so loose i wanted to claw my eyeballs out and i couldn't sit still almost the entire movie. this is not a side effect of Aunt Flow (riding the crimson wave, or whatever code name you want to use), but of boredom. that being said, i loved the characters, it made me want to eat despite my nausea, and Paris seems like the perfect place for me to live. forget about canada, seattle, and any other place planned for my future. i'm going to move to paris with my short, politician of a husband and become a chef.

plans for the rest of the day:
clean my room. it is easily reminiscent of the aftermath of hiroshima and might take just as long to clean up.
seeing Funny People with robbie later.
i've heard it's not very funny.
ironic.

Jamie out.

just for you

estimate

since i am too sick to work, i may as well update.
also, how bubble spinner is not affecting my vertigo, i have no idea. maybe in my desperation for quiet entertainment my body is willing to accommodate some things.

took Baby in to get her estimate today. just shy of $1000. thank the Lord i'm not liable. their insurance pays for everything, including my rental car. it's going to take four days to fix her--taking her in on monday and will get her back two days before i leave for school. good timing? debatable.

comprehensible thoughts are leaving me.
Jamie out.

one last adventure

the past couple days have been quite great, even though i spent way too much money.
after work on sunday--where i got to be on till, eat a bunch of pretzel bites we had to waste, and distract coworkers with my "cuteness" (apparently)--tasha drove down for a couple days.

hightlights:
1. sleeping at the house i'm watching and being eaten alive by jasper and murphy, the most massive dogs i have ever seen in my life.
2. forever 21
3. my new mr. coffee for all those late nights up at school.
4. district 9 with steinkamp and then running around work trying to find jumper cables because his scooter wouldn't start. yes, he has a scooter.
5. running around portland today, where we hit pioneer mall, powell's, pita pit, pioneer square, the keller fountain, and voodoo doughnuts. walked about fifteen miles in over 90 degree heat.

love.
also, tasha and i accidentally wore the same clothes pretty much the entire time. we need to stop shopping together. and having the same favourite colors.
and that's the last we'll see of each other for a year.
people need to stop moving.

Jamie out.

targets and dreams

apparently
my car has a very large target on it.
i nearly got run into twice on my way home from work today.
also, tash is coming tonight for one last visit before our year apart. =[
steinkamp and robbie are planning all sorts of adventures for us.
well... actually, they're attending the adventures tash and i decide on.

i had a fabulously ridiculous dream last night. brian had decided to make robbie jealous, so he jumped me. chris larsen then sat down next to us and said that i looked really disgusted. hahaaaa.
i think i have been spending far too much time at work.

Jamie out.

my luck is astounding

*exit from shower*
Mikaela: "Jamie, your mom needs you. Someone ran into your car."
Me: "... Fuck." i hate garage sales.

Baby is okay. he just scratched the paint. and he was a cute old man. but still. =[
also, verizon is a rip off. staying with t-mobile and the pre-paid plan while i'm in canada. but certain people will need to stop texting me 50 thousand times a day.

fourteen days until departure.

Jamie out.

sad face

"sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would
you would"

my FM transmitter is PMSing today. coincidence? i think not.

there is a reason why the past two summers i didn't let myself make new friends, or meet boys. it just makes it that much more difficult to leave.
starting to shut myself down and pull away from people. good or bad thing?
i love them, but i leave in fifteen days, for life.
and some of them just aren't understanding what this transition is going to mean, which makes it that much more difficult.

Jamie out.

Target

purchased:
make-up
larger CD/DVD case
4 GB usb drive
rechargeable AAA batteries
17 Again

all crucial for my survival this year at university.
now off to hand in my two weeks notice.
hello fourth year, what's up?

Jamie out.

hello

blog = for sister.

intro.
my name is jamie. i currently work at a movie theatre with very wonderful people and very horrible customers, as well as poppers that injure me daily.
my parents are moving to san diego so when i leave for school in two weeks, i won't have a home any more.
my sister and her husband are on a plane to london at the moment, and from there they will be flying to israel for their two year adventure.

intro done.
kasey, you alread knew all of that. ;]

i just got back from RVing with tasha's family. i feel very healthy after spending three days eating organic food and zero caffeine. if only i had the self control to stay away from coffee indefinitely. also, i think my future husband should consider investing in a dune buggy. i have no interest in driving one, just being the over-enthusiastic passenger.

in other news, i have been feeling very discouraged and mediocre lately. not good. time to do something i know i'm good at. DUTCH BLITZ!

Jamie out.