Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If i can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

...

Of so divine a loss
We enter but the gain,
Indemnity for loneliness
That such a bliss has been.

Jamie out.

no compromise

God wants our joy and our happiness.
Our joy and our happiness.
He wants what is best for us, now and in the long run.
I always assume that what He is doing is best for us, but only eventually.
Well what about right now? He cares about right now just as much as he cares about every portion of our lives.

This doesn't mean we're always going to be happy and content. But it does mean that He doesn't want us to be confused. He wants us to be at peace in Him and content in where He has us. We aren't forbidden from having questions, from finding things difficult, from expressing our displeasure and confusion when we experience it. But we don't constantly have to be in a state of confusion and displeasure.

What God wants for us is what we need. It isn't an inconvenience. If we don't want it, why is that? Is it because we're living too much like the world and not seeking after God's own heart?

I have been content to be wandering. I want things to be different, even though I still, to a point, follow God's desires.

But no that's not right.
Just because I'm not technically dating the guy doesn't mean that I wasn't basically yoking myself to him. I am emotionally, physically, spiritually attached to him. That isn't safe, that isn't healthy. That isn't God seeking.
God used me to be a light to him, and that's wonderful.
But I can't keep this up.
I know myself. I know my heart. I know the strengths and weaknesses of my morals. I know that this has already gone too far. God can use someone else to win this kid over. As terrified as I am about "breaking up" with him and having him hate me, it isn't my responsibility. God used me to plant a seed. Now he needs someone who can help it to grow, without compromising themselves in the process.

I don't regret anything. But if this keeps going, I probably will.

Jamie out.

SLO to O

ever since heather and i moved in, there has been an unprovoked puddle steadily growing in our apartment--just seeping up from the floor with no reference as to its cause. by now i know quite a few of the maintenance men by name and have grown accustomed to their presence in my home. today they finally pulled the walls apart and discovered which pipe has lost it. they will be turning off our water this afternoon and hopefully the problem will finally be resolved. otherwise we're going to have a massive dehumidifier as company for the next eight months. it's very nice and all--blue--but i would rather have my hallway uncluttered (if you can call a 2ft by 2ft patch of floor a hallway).

in other news, the douchebags that live down the hall continue to be douchebags. one of them, the asian one, told heidi that he doesn't really want to date me, but thinks he will this year.
excuse me?
what is that supposed to mean?
so if he (or they) want to pay for me when we go to Denny's and Red Robin and maybe even the movies, i won't complain. it's their right to waste their own money. but other than that they aren't getting anything from me. or ... giving.
(douchebags shall remain nameless in the blog, to protect their identities and clueless way of life)

in regards to O-Day, filming was amazing, fast paced, and stressfull. i'm going to upload the footage today and see if i got anything good. interviewing incoming freshmen and their parents was really intimidating, but i got plenty of leadership interviews and advice for incoming freshmen. should be some good times. i have also had two musicians offer up their music. things are looking up. TWUSA has agreed to fork over the money for camera repairs. excellent! hopefully GL2 will be in and out of the shop in no time.

Baby finally has her own parking spot... but a bird decided to crap all over her while she was in her old one. she can't get washed for another three weeks because of the body work she just had done. maybe i will take pitty on her and go out with a bucket of warm water and just rinse her off.

Jamie out.

dinner

after a very long and amazing nap this afternoon, i met with my media adviser--Audrey--for dinner. she was very encouraging and easy to talk to. i think i have found it a lot easier to relate to people lately, thank the Lord. she told me that the Reel isn't a yearbook in the way that Pillar is. i don't have to do what the other editors did, not to say that what they did wasn't good. i have creative license to represent the school in the way i think it should be represented. if to me that means featuring every event under the sun, then go for it. if that means capturing random dorm events at two AM and people passing through the caf, RNT, and their lives, then go for it. piece it together and feature what i see fit. discover a vision of my own and go for it. and make my team a small one that i can count on to help me see out that vision.

i'm excited. so very excited to have this opportunity.

Jamie out.

wow

i was very overwhelmed yesterday. i'm not quite sure what it was... probably the culmination of everything from this week. robbie, moving, cluttered apartment (so so disgusting), finally working seriously on the Reel... omg the Reel. i am incredibly excited and so blessed but i can't help but wonder what God was thinking! i've never even been involved with this before, i don't know how to do half of anything! i'm messaging musicians and hoping they'll respond. God let them respond. i have to take the camera into van to get it cleaned and get the sound checked out, but if it's crap i'm going to have to push twusa to buy a new camera. yey.... =/ i don't know the password to get onto the Reel computer so thus far all i have done is charge batteries. i don't know how to access my budget or even what it is, but i obviously need to start spending it soon since i need tapes and have to pay to clean the camera, etc. do i compensate the musicians? i don't know! when do i need to meet with my minions and what do i say to them? i have a list in my office of everything i need to do and it fills the entire whiteboard. i've thought of several more things. this is madness.
i think i'm still overwhelmed today.
i was pretty much having an anxiety attack yesterday so i sat down with my Bible to read, and then went into my room and fell asleep while i was praying.
i just need to keep busy so that i don't think about how freaking overwhelming this is. amazing! but i don't know what the crap i'm doing, and that scares me shitless.

Jamie out.